{"id":1095,"date":"2013-07-23T15:00:32","date_gmt":"2013-07-23T19:00:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/?p=1095"},"modified":"2013-07-09T08:50:15","modified_gmt":"2013-07-09T12:50:15","slug":"ask-a-tranny-what-is-your-relationship-with-your-penis","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/ask-a-tranny-what-is-your-relationship-with-your-penis\/","title":{"rendered":"Ask A Tranny: What is your relationship with your penis?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Question #3 in the Ask a Tranny series by the trans comedian Sarah Maywalt. Feel free to ask a question that you would like addressed in her next article in the comments section below or via email at maywalt@gmail.com.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is your relationship with your penis?\u201d – Ernie<\/p>\n

Warning: I\u2019m about to talk about my junk.<\/p>\n

Well, it ain\u2019t good. I don\u2019t have a lot of happy penis parties. I may as well just say it: I\u2019m looking for a divorce.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t get me wrong. I\u2019m not angry at my penis. It isn\u2019t his fault. This was an arranged marriage. Call it God, call it the fates, or call it a clerical error in my mother\u2019s womb, but someone joined our lives without our permission. Neither of us is too happy about it.<\/p>\n

I never had a nickname for my penis while living as a man, but since transition I\u2019ve come up with two: God\u2019s Mistake and Hairy Houdini. God\u2019s Mistake should be self-explanatory. I call it Hairy Houdini, because it seems to get out of every straight jacket I try to put it into. It\u2019s also hairy.<\/p>\n

Life with Hairy stinks, often literally. Tucking creates a warm, moist breeding ground for all kinds of bacteria and fungus, and the gaffs I use to hold my penis in place are not as much underwear as Atomic Wedgie Machines\u2122. The gaffs often reek with swampy butt sweat after a day of use, so I rub a stick of deodorant on them before I put them on. I know that sounds gross. Some say trans is beautiful, but no one sane says trans is glamorous.<\/p>\n

Then, there are the erections. Fortunately, four years of hormones have made them very rare, but every so often a cheerful morning wood greets me like a middle finger from God growing out of my crotch. Erections in public are a real problem and potentially far more embarrassing than the erections of homerooms\u2019 past. That\u2019s what the gaff is for. It\u2019s the last line of defense between me and the ultimate transsexual tip-off. One shouldn\u2019t skimp on a gaff investment.<\/p>\n

Also, getting hit in the balls still hurts.<\/p>\n

That said, I really feel bad for my penis. It\u2019s a good penis! It\u2019s above average in size, and before I started hormones, it was certified fertile. I haven\u2019t had a problem with it in all our years together.<\/p>\n

I wish I could set it free. It would be nice if I could just drive it out to a sorority house and let it go. I wish it could live the proud life a penis like mine deserves. If I didn\u2019t need it for sex reassignment surgery, maybe I could donate it to a wounded veteran. It could serve a man and my country. Every erection a salute to liberty, but alas, it is my penis\u2019s fate to give its life for my shiny new vagina.<\/p>\n

Joking aside, I don\u2019t like thinking about my penis. It makes me feel like a fraud. Even now, somewhere in my mind is a voice that says that no real girl has a penis. There are times I look at it and see the future\u2014the pain and cost of surgery, the frigid facsimile of a vagina that will take its place. In life, as in this article, I try to spend as little time as possible on that. It\u2019s best to appreciate the possibilities modern medicine gives me rather than lamenting what isn\u2019t possible. It\u2019s hard not to feel cheated sometimes, but who\u2019s to blame? Just chance, and chance has been far more cruel to others.<\/p>\n

My penis and I are nearing the end of a long relationship. Our separation will be for the best, but my penis should be remembered as a good one. It\u2019s a noble organ whose end has come too soon. If there is any justice in the universe, it\u2019ll be reincarnated as a wild steed, and it will spread its seed farther than any steed before it. But for now, it\u2019s a dead dong dangling, and its end is near.<\/p>\n

Follow Sarah on Twitter: @SarahMaywalt<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Question #3 in the Ask a Tranny series by the trans comedian Sarah Maywalt. Feel free to ask a question that you would like addressed in her next article in the comments section below or via email at maywalt@gmail.com. \u201cWhat is your relationship with your penis?\u201d – Ernie Warning: I\u2019m about to talk about my\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":774,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"yst_prominent_words":[],"class_list":["post-1095","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/05\/SarahMaywaltPortrait.jpeg?fit=800%2C534","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6QBV8-hF","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1095","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1095"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1095\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1098,"href":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1095\/revisions\/1098"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/774"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1095"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1095"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1095"},{"taxonomy":"yst_prominent_words","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/yst_prominent_words?post=1095"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}