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\nAt 14 years old, first boyfriend in tow, the middle school halls empty in between class, I would carefully sneak into the boys\u2019 bathroom, stand in front of one of the urinals, and pee. I was fascinated, almost fixated by the fantasy of having my own cock. Yet, never once did I ache for a real one, always loving that I could strap on any shape and size and remove it whenever I pleased. I began reading erotica around the same time, seeking titillation in gay vampire stories\u2014what I call the root of my faggy fantasies. For years, I played out these fantasies only in my head. Until one day, I strapped on my cock and asked for my first blowjob. He was straight and cis, and after all the pain and trauma I had survived at the hands of straight men, topping him felt beyond empowering. I was shocked to finally be realizing my fantasies, especially after years of performing a more conventional femme identity with transmasculine partners, incredulous that the reality of this faggotry was beyond anything I had dreamed. I began to cry. I eventually found my joy in queer role-play, where I could play at the convergence of all of my sexual desires and gender identities with other fag-identified partners, finally breaking free from a singular construct of femme identity.
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\nAlthough the very definition of queer troubles binaries of sexuality and gender, from the outside, queer relationships that seem to recreate feminine\/masculine dichotomies could be viewed as reconstructing heteronormative or misogynist gender roles. Yet, if you dig a bit deeper, you\u2019ll find that these relationships are not always so black and white. Not all femmes are submissive bottoms, nor are all femme tops mean mommies. Some femmes flirt with masculinity or androgyny, particularly during sex, either with masculine-of-center or other femme partners. Several terms have emerged that attempt to understand this complexity and gender fluidity of seemingly fixed or binary female and\/or femme identities. Prominent queers, such as Jill Nagle and Janet Hardy, identify with the term girlfag\u2014a woman, however she chooses to express this female gender identity, who is attracted to gay men. In the words of Carol Queen, \u201cFag implies head-held-high rebellion in the same way that queer does: You may try to use this word against me, but I\u2019ll cloak myself in it with pride, and it\u2019ll repel all your sticks and stones and insults.\u201d There is much less written about the term femme daddy\u2014an Instagram hashtag, some discussion board posts, and an Urban Dictionary entry that states: \u201cA rare gem typically found in the leather or kink community, a female identified femme and\/or feminine woman who can rock a skirt, lipstick, and other girlish accouterment, who personifies a Daddy style in their D\/s relationships\u2014firm, structured, constructive, while being loving and supportive.\u201d In my own primary relationship, I\u2019ve started using the term secret femme faggot, a particular representation of these fluid notions of feminine gender identity. Most days, I\u2019m Daddy; other days I\u2019m little faggot; sometimes I\u2019m just my partner\u2019s femme girlfriend. Secret femme faggot encompasses all of my expressions of gender and sexuality and not-so-secret love and indulgence in faggotry.
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\nOne femme relays her relationship to femininity: \u201cBeing queer and being femme, it\u2019s a way that I get to define femininity for myself and find a lot of power from it. I don\u2019t feel like I fit into conventional norms of femininity, although sometimes, from the exterior, I\u2019m read this way.\u201d She blurs these gender lines with a \u201clittle edge,\u201d as she describes it\u2014armpit hair, piercings, shorter hair, wearing a cock during sex: \u201cTo me, there\u2019s such a power trip in bringing masculinity\u2014my form of masculinity, with my cock and my edges\u2014into a relationship where somebody holds themselves as more conventionally masculine. I love pushing that boundary. It\u2019s a huge turn on and huge power play and I love watching people get out of their head about…how they should fuck\u2026because of their male or masculine identity. I love watching people go through that process, and in that process finding a ton of pleasure.\u201d Another femme sees her identity as genderfucking, albeit rooted in femininity: \u201cFemme is so much more than what you\u2019re wearing. It\u2019s a being, a grounded sense of power and control.\u201d Although recently, she has begun exploring her more submissive side, playing with and trusting in new power dynamics and energies with different partners, all while still wearing a cock and embracing her own version of femininity.
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\nJill Nagle describes the discovery of her nuanced femme identity: \u201cI finally began to understand, in my gut, what I had only known intellectually: butch and femme can be totally independent of gender orientation. In my case, my inner fag had long been misidentified as simply femme.\u201d One femme we spoke with, who often identifies as Daddy, also sees femmes and fags as circular modalities, blending and stemming from a similar source. Her masculinity is grounded in her femme experience and femme body: \u201cWhen I\u2019m embodying faggotry and masculinity, to me, femininity is big enough to hold space for masculinity to come inside of it. My femme is big enough to also have these faggy and masculine aspects to it and to hold [this gender expression] as part of the whole.\u201d Another femme top also sees femme and fag as part of the same side of a gender spectrum, describing her expression as femme faggotry: \u201cFor me, faggotry is about pageantry and outfits and style.\u201d After years of dappling in androgyny and identifying as a tomboy, she\u2019s finally settled on a femme identity\u2014pulling and sculpting her expression from various people and influences: \u201cHaving to navigate [my sexuality] really allowed me to put my femme presentation on display as my everyday drag, and then embrace more androgynous sides of me during sex, in more private times.\u201d
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\nNot every femme we spoke with necessarily identifies as a femme daddy or a girlfag or a secret femme faggot, but each was able to relate to this fluidity of femme identity in some way. My identity has been a secret\u2014until now\u2014mostly because of my hesitation to take up space in a genderqueer community from a place of privilege. Each day, I put on my femme costume and I pass as straight. I consider myself cisgender, as I only prefer male pronouns during sex. Yes, femme invisibility is real and it can feel disempowering for many queer femmes, despite other privileges that we may have. Yet instead of taking on a genderqueer identity, or participating in spaces for gender non-conforming people to make sense of experiences and discrimination to which I don\u2019t necessarily relate, I\u2019d rather work out my gender identity with a community of other femmes, with support from masculine-of-center queers. This is my own stuff, and I know it. Navigating my gender and sexual identities still feels like a work in progress, even after nearly 20 years of exploration. This project was born from a need to not be so secret, to create space for these types of discussions, to explore the intricacies of femme identity and sexual expression. I see secret femme faggot as a way through which to build upon the experiences of other queer women\u2014girlfags who\u2019ve come before us or femme daddies still waiting to come out\u2014and to make way for a greater discussion and recognition of the multitude of queer femme identities.
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