{"id":967,"date":"2013-06-14T20:29:53","date_gmt":"2013-06-15T00:29:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/?p=967"},"modified":"2013-06-21T20:48:30","modified_gmt":"2013-06-22T00:48:30","slug":"ask-a-tranny-how-can-i-support-my-trans-friend","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/ask-a-tranny-how-can-i-support-my-trans-friend\/","title":{"rendered":"Ask a Tranny \u2013 How Can I Support My Trans Friend?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Question #2 in the “Ask A Tranny” Series by Sarah Maywalt. Feel free to ask a question that you would like addressed in her next article in the comments section below or via email at maywalt@gmail.com. You can reference Q<\/em>uestion #1 here<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n

My friend is just beginning to try and transition. I have no idea what I should say about it or how to help him along. Any advice?<\/i> — Joe<\/strong><\/p>\n

Joe, the simple answer is that you should be the friend you always have been. There are specific ways you may be able to help and pitfalls you want to avoid, but as long as you show you care, you are 99% there. If it rhymes, it has to be true. Logicians call this the Johnnie Cochran theorem.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m a glass-half-empty kind of girl, so I\u2019ll start with the things you shouldn\u2019t do.<\/p>\n

This is an incredibly stressful time for your friend. Transition is god damn scary. It\u2019s like flipping off society, and society can be a real jerk when it\u2019s angry. This stress may make him act strangely, hysterically, or aggressively. I still have bouts of uncontrollable sobbing, because I feel like a tramazon freak sometimes. Obviously, don\u2019t let him abuse you, but give him some room and try not to take any misdirected anger personally.<\/p>\n

Think about it like there\u2019s a death in your friend\u2019s family. This may not be too far from the truth. No one may have physically died, but he may be dealing with the loss of a mother\u2019s or father\u2019s love and support, and that can be just as devastating.<\/p>\n

Your friend might be extra sensitive to certain subjects. I\u2019d hope you wouldn\u2019t tell someone whose child just died of cancer your favorite lymphoma joke. Likewise, avoid jokes about transsexuals for a time with your friend. We all know how funny cancer and trannies are, but it may take a while for him to come around to that fact.<\/p>\n

Speaking of death, it\u2019s OK to mourn the loss of the friend you thought he was. With how taboo gender variance is in our society, a friend or family member\u2019s transition is hard on everyone. It\u2019s not as hard as it is on the one transitioning, but don\u2019t feel bad for having some difficulty adjusting. Explain any difficulties you are having if they lead you to hurt your friend\u2019s feelings, but go light on complaining about your difficulty to him.<\/p>\n

Now that you have some idea about what you should avoid, how can you help? I have two words: be there.<\/p>\n

I was terrified that every friend or family member would turn their back on me or, nearly as bad, support me in private and avoid me in public. I\u2019m sure your friend has these fears. Invite him to lunch. Sit with him. Talk with him. Show him you are not ashamed. Prove to him that he still deserves love and friendship. Do what you always do together. It may not seem like much, but it\u2019s the most important thing you can do. Your friend\u2019s world will be upside down. A little normality will ease his fears and give him confidence.<\/p>\n

You call your friend \u201che,\u201d and that\u2019s why I have, but if he is male-to-female, you\u2019ll have to start using \u201cshe.\u201d If your friend is female-to-male, you\u2019re already kicking some serious pronoun butt. Getting used to a name and pronoun change is hard even for transsexuals. Before my transition my name was Joe, too. I was one of 5 \u201cJoes\u201d at my work. It took me 6 months to stop jerking my head to my old name. Embarassing.<\/p>\n

In the beginning, your friend may present himself as his \u201ctarget gender\u201d only part-time. I lived as a woman every weekend for 4 months before I went full-time, because I wanted to present myself as professionally as possible when I transitioned at work. I told my friends to refer to me as \u201cJoe\u201d and \u201che\u201d when I dressed like a boy and \u201cSarah\u201d and \u201cshe\u201d when I dressed as a girl. I think that is a good rule-of-thumb. No matter what, you will make mistakes. Hell, my mom still occasionally calls me \u201cBill.\u201d That\u2019s her brother\u2019s name. Just apologize and correct yourself. The important thing is to show that you care about getting it right. Don\u2019t expect yourself to be perfect.<\/p>\n

Lastly, your friend may ask you for advice. You may think you should always be accepting and affirming, but if your friend\u2019s butt crack is hanging out of a new outfit and you don\u2019t tell him, you won\u2019t be doing him any favors. When he asks you for advice, be tactful but honest. He will be the subject of a lot of criticism, so don\u2019t needlessly pile on. Make your advice constructive, and don\u2019t volunteer it unless it\u2019s necessary.<\/p>\n

I wrote this whole column about what you should and shouldn\u2019t do, but the fact that you care enough to ask for advice means you\u2019ll do great. Hopefully, bond between you will grow stronger. I have been fortunate enough to have wonderful friends and family that stood by me even when I was very awkward. Very, very awkward. I\u2019m glad to know that your friend has you. I\u2019m sure you\u2019re already a huge help. Pat yourself on the back.<\/p>\n

OK. That\u2019s enough. No need to get a big head about it. Sheesh.<\/p>\n

Follow Sarah on Twitter: @SarahMaywalt<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Question #2 in the “Ask A Tranny” Series by Sarah Maywalt. Feel free to ask a question that you would like addressed in her next article in the comments section below or via email at maywalt@gmail.com. You can reference Question #1 here. My friend is just beginning to try and transition. I have no idea\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":774,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[42,39,41,38,62],"yst_prominent_words":[],"class_list":["post-967","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-columnist","tag-gay","tag-opinion-2","tag-queer","tag-trans"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/05\/SarahMaywaltPortrait.jpeg?fit=800%2C534","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6QBV8-fB","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/967","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=967"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/967\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1013,"href":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/967\/revisions\/1013"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/774"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=967"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=967"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=967"},{"taxonomy":"yst_prominent_words","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/posturemag.com\/online\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/yst_prominent_words?post=967"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}