5 Things They Don’t Tell Newlyweds | Brian Masefield
I got married last year to my partner of over a decade. Since I’m barely eight months into our newlywed bliss, you might think I’m not the best person to be writing about married life. You might also think, that since my partner and I had already been together forever, that marriage wouldn’t really change anything. That’s what I thought too. So, I proudly present the below information as a warm-up for those gays and gals who are getting ready to make it official.
Your Marriage Will Mean a Lot to a Lot of People
As soon as we emerged from Brooklyn’s City Clerk’s Office as Mr. & Mr, total strangers came up to us and said things like, “Congratulations,” “What a gorgeous couple,” and “Wanna buy a flower for a dollah?” The attention and well wishes were all very genuine, even from the somewhat-scary guy selling roses for a buck. I may’ve gotten misty.
Yes, one of the most shocking parts of post-marriage life is the response I get from people when they find out. I’ve received some of the sweetest compliments in my life this past year. Friends, acquaintances, and yes, strangers responded positively to the news of our nuptials. Some cried with joy. Some screamed in surprise. Some gave us appliances. (We basically eloped, so we didn’t register anywhere.) And, I’m talking about real-live, in-your-face tidings of joy, not greeting cards. But yes, we got cards too, and our eventual public announcement got over 200 “likes” on Facebook, so that’s … something.
“We were so psyched to hear the news,” my friend Suzanne said, near-sobbing over our beers. “It’s so great you did it, and …” She went on to say some truly endearing things that I only sort of remember, but the point is that even now, months later, people still congratulate us. They still have ‘toasts to the newlyweds.’
It can be a bit overwhelming at times to dial-up the thrill of your months-old wedding day for ecstatic friends you haven’t seen in a while. But suck it up, smile, be thankful, and enjoy it while it lasts.
It Makes You Want to Cook (Or Learn How To)
Ever since we’ve been together, my husband has been the cook of the relationship. He’s so good at it, and he loves doing it. He’ll make a two-course meal on a Tuesday. That’s the kind of guy he is. But, after we got married, I felt a strange sensation whenever I would see him cooking away in the kitchen. A ping. This ping of domesticity. I’m a husband now, I thought. My pop-culture focused mind has it loaded with family sitcoms like The Brady Bunch, with some lovely ladies running the culinary productions. But, two guys? Who does what? And, is it okay for one to do all of the cooking?
The funny thing is, this never bothered me before we were married. I would do all the post-dinner clean-up and dishes, so I thought it was a decent trade – though, admittedly, I always knew I had the better part of the deal. The marriage suddenly made me reconsider that I may need to pitch in a bit more than I had been, cooking-wise. Of course, the challenge was, I didn’t how to cook.
I was expressing this culinary inadequacy to my friend Jules, who said, “Why not just sign up for a cooking class at Brooklyn Kitchen?” Why not, indeed! I signed-up for a “20-Minute Meal” class, showed up, and did my best to avoid accidentally setting a classmate on fire.
I then brought my cooking skillz home, and made a scrumptious beef tenderloin and roasted pears that I learned how to make in class. My husband devoured it. Even I was impressed. It really does take some effort though, so take your time and don’t beat yourself up.
If you’re attempting to start cooking, I found that Rachael Ray’s YouTube recipes are fast, fun and hearty – and you can hit replay as many times as you like, which helps.
Arguments Aren’t Just Arguments Anymore
Only hours after we got married, ate brunch, and made all required phone calls announcing our wedding bliss to family and friends, something interesting happened. We got into a fight. Well, not a fight, really. A disagreement.
Fine, an argument. Here’s what happened. We decided to wear bowties to our wedding-night dinner, just to be cute. (Stop gagging.) The ties weren’t identical, but had a matching color-way of blue and yellow, and were reversible. It was a simple plan. At the last minute, I decided to go with a different bowtie. I just felt that the yellow/blue pattern made me look too much like “Country Mouse” in the big city. I looked oddly cornpone.
My brand-new husband was simply flummoxed. Sure, I’d switched ties, but it’s not the end of the world. But it did seem to matter a bit more to him than I had considered. Or rather, I hadn’t even considered his feelings at all. It was my tie. My neck. My body, my choice, as it were. But then I felt really bad about what I’d done. My last minute necktie change had upset my fresh-off-the-market husband. I ended up wearing the original tie, Country Mouse be damned. It occurred to me during this discussion that ‘breaking up’ would now be a thing of the past. Any notions that fights would lead to a break-up were gone. All future fights would now only lead to divorce. DIVORCE. It’s crazy to think about. Very final. Very serious. Very legal.
As the days continue in our marriage, I’ve realized that there is not a whole lot of reasons to actually divorce someone, but you really should have a million reasons to marry someone.
It Takes Two to Do … Everything
My husband and I, even before we got married, were into ‘marathoning.’ Marathoning is the act of watching an entire season of a television series in a handful of days. We watched the first four seasons of Mad Men in about a month, for instance. However, we’ve always been okay with one another watching other DVR’ed fare on our own. We wouldn’t want to be one of those couples who have to do everything together, I would say to myself.
After we got married though, something changed. This little pang (versus the aforementioned ping) of guilt would occur when I found myself pressing play on an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race. If just felt wrong watching things without him. What is this pang? Where was this pang during the first decade of our relationship together? Who knows, but I can tell you that when you get legally hitched, these pings and pangs really start flowing.
Even as I type that, I know it may sound obsessive. I don’t even know if this is to be considered normal, but it doesn’t make it any less true. Brace yourself for the ping and pang party.
The Word ‘Husband’ Says It All
So long, partner, boyfriend, and ‘significant other.’ It’s a marriage now. I think the most real moments of my new marriage have been the introductions and conversations that involve my husband. I find that when I say the word husband in conversation, I look down or, weirdly, I widen my eyes, as if I still can’t believe that I’m married in the first place. Maybe I’m not sure of how the person I’m speaking to will react to the word choice, particularly if he/she is not a gay marriage supporter (you just never know). Maybe a part of me can’t believe gay marriage is a historic New York City reality. Or, maybe I’m still getting used to it, and should calm the eff down.
For some reason, when I do say the word husband, I struggle with not making the word trail on too long, like the amazing Yolanda Foster does on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. “My huzzbahhnd has a car waiting for me when our jet lands,” she’d say as she gathers her things at the conclusion of a catty ladies’ dinner. She makes the word husband sound wildly romantic and extravagant. And, maybe it is. Ultimately, my partner and I didn’t really have to get married. We wanted to get married. So, when I say the word aloud, I’m honoring that choice, and most importantly, my husband. But, for sure, the word absolutely takes some getting used to.
All of these realizations, pings, and pangs, may only be my experience, but I do wonder if it happens to some degree for all newlyweds. There’s certainly a lot of mental stuff that goes along with tying the knot. And all of this ‘stuff’ is worth it, if the other person is. I’m happy to say mine is.
Follow Brian on Twitter: @brianmasefield
