Question #2 in the “Ask A Tranny” Series by Sarah Maywalt. Feel free to ask a question that you would like addressed in her next article in the comments section below or via email at [email protected]. You can reference Question #1 here.
My friend is just beginning to try and transition. I have no idea what I should say about it or how to help him along. Any advice? — Joe
Joe, the simple answer is that you should be the friend you always have been. There are specific ways you may be able to help and pitfalls you want to avoid, but as long as you show you care, you are 99% there. If it rhymes, it has to be true. Logicians call this the Johnnie Cochran theorem.
I’m a glass-half-empty kind of girl, so I’ll start with the things you shouldn’t do.
This is an incredibly stressful time for your friend. Transition is god damn scary. It’s like flipping off society, and society can be a real jerk when it’s angry. This stress may make him act strangely, hysterically, or aggressively. I still have bouts of uncontrollable sobbing, because I feel like a tramazon freak sometimes. Obviously, don’t let him abuse you, but give him some room and try not to take any misdirected anger personally.
Think about it like there’s a death in your friend’s family. This may not be too far from the truth. No one may have physically died, but he may be dealing with the loss of a mother’s or father’s love and support, and that can be just as devastating.
Your friend might be extra sensitive to certain subjects. I’d hope you wouldn’t tell someone whose child just died of cancer your favorite lymphoma joke. Likewise, avoid jokes about transsexuals for a time with your friend. We all know how funny cancer and trannies are, but it may take a while for him to come around to that fact.
Speaking of death, it’s OK to mourn the loss of the friend you thought he was. With how taboo gender variance is in our society, a friend or family member’s transition is hard on everyone. It’s not as hard as it is on the one transitioning, but don’t feel bad for having some difficulty adjusting. Explain any difficulties you are having if they lead you to hurt your friend’s feelings, but go light on complaining about your difficulty to him.
Now that you have some idea about what you should avoid, how can you help? I have two words: be there.
I was terrified that every friend or family member would turn their back on me or, nearly as bad, support me in private and avoid me in public. I’m sure your friend has these fears. Invite him to lunch. Sit with him. Talk with him. Show him you are not ashamed. Prove to him that he still deserves love and friendship. Do what you always do together. It may not seem like much, but it’s the most important thing you can do. Your friend’s world will be upside down. A little normality will ease his fears and give him confidence.
You call your friend “he,” and that’s why I have, but if he is male-to-female, you’ll have to start using “she.” If your friend is female-to-male, you’re already kicking some serious pronoun butt. Getting used to a name and pronoun change is hard even for transsexuals. Before my transition my name was Joe, too. I was one of 5 “Joes” at my work. It took me 6 months to stop jerking my head to my old name. Embarassing.
In the beginning, your friend may present himself as his “target gender” only part-time. I lived as a woman every weekend for 4 months before I went full-time, because I wanted to present myself as professionally as possible when I transitioned at work. I told my friends to refer to me as “Joe” and “he” when I dressed like a boy and “Sarah” and “she” when I dressed as a girl. I think that is a good rule-of-thumb. No matter what, you will make mistakes. Hell, my mom still occasionally calls me “Bill.” That’s her brother’s name. Just apologize and correct yourself. The important thing is to show that you care about getting it right. Don’t expect yourself to be perfect.
Lastly, your friend may ask you for advice. You may think you should always be accepting and affirming, but if your friend’s butt crack is hanging out of a new outfit and you don’t tell him, you won’t be doing him any favors. When he asks you for advice, be tactful but honest. He will be the subject of a lot of criticism, so don’t needlessly pile on. Make your advice constructive, and don’t volunteer it unless it’s necessary.
I wrote this whole column about what you should and shouldn’t do, but the fact that you care enough to ask for advice means you’ll do great. Hopefully, bond between you will grow stronger. I have been fortunate enough to have wonderful friends and family that stood by me even when I was very awkward. Very, very awkward. I’m glad to know that your friend has you. I’m sure you’re already a huge help. Pat yourself on the back.
OK. That’s enough. No need to get a big head about it. Sheesh.
Follow Sarah on Twitter: @SarahMaywalt
