Featured photo by Will Star
Author | Lisa Markuson
I’m a giver. Everyone says it. Nary a day passes when I don’t overhear a conversation such as this:
A: “Hey, you know that weirdo Lisa Markuson?”
B: “Oh, yeah, I think we had sex in a tub at a fetish party once.”
A: “Ya, me too, what a generous lover, ya know?”
B: “Word. And a thoughtful lady too- you know she darned my socks for me when I passed out on her kitchen floor after my birthday?”
A: “Fuckin’ Mother Teresa, she is.”
That’s the kind of thing people are saying about me.
However, I tend to hit a wall when it comes to giving gifts for ordained holidays like “Christmas” or “Hanukkah” or “Solstice” or whatever wintertime thing you celebrate to make December less lame. So I asked a bunch of my favorite creative queers, femmes, rebels, etc what they’re getting their friends, so I can steal all their good ideas for myself. Let’s see what the cool weirdos are wrapping up this month.
The first radically fabulous person whose brain I needed to pick was obviously my lawyer, Bevin Branlandingham. Bevin is to all things queer/rebel/sexy/body-positive what Gertrude Stein was to corduroy and autonomic writing. When I asked her where she was shopping this winter, she pointed me in the direction of Lockwood, a queer woman-owned gem of a boutique which is now the reason that I am ready to lose my Astoria virginity. If you are too much of a baby to trek up there with me though, you can shop online too.
Bevin also said she was making her own TEA BLEND as a gift, because she is just that cool. Now I am not that cool, so I have to have other people blend my tea for me, one-percenter that I am. Luckily, after attending a Gowanus comedy show set in space, I met a nice apothecary who told me that if I followed him down an alley to his car, he would sell me some herbs. (This is a true story.) Turns out, they are all expertly blended, totally legal (L) medicinal herbs that you can drink as tea, soak in your bath, or roll in a cigarette. He also showed me a nude photo of his adorable infant child. Win!
The search continued, and I talked to Diana Cage, who is the only (and therefore best) real live sexpert I’ve ever had the pleasure of co-working with. She is all about these quippy FEMINIST KILLJOY beanies from Glitz Knits, which not only will probably offend at least one random person who sees you, but will also KEEP YOUR HEAD WARM. That’s multitasking, people!
Certainly many of us are avid users of the best thing about Facebook: Queer Exchange. When I asked folks for their thoughts on that amazing forum, I was flooded with recommendations of every ilk. One of the most intriguing was from a magical Brooklyn apothecary femme transdude, Azure Osborne-Lee. I can’t attest yet to the actual metaphysical characteristics of his “spiritually infused jams and jellies,” but I can say that in a time and place where artisanal condiments are gonna set you back back $10 anyway, you may as well infuse them with positive energy and name them things like “Strawberry Filth,” am I right?
Further research led me to the advice of Rachel Gwynne-Eisley, which is always spot-on. Her recommendation had a PUN in it so I just couldn’t resist, and everyone can always use another tote bag, right? Well, you definitely can when said tote bag is emblazoned with the tagline “GOD HATES BAGS.” You can buy them at cute new Brooklyn tchotchke shop, BEAM.
Now, for the more dapper among us, I knew I had to find someone who not only exudes personal charm and style like organic wild honey, but who also is a real go-getter, on-the-fly, MacGyver type. Someone who makes you think of a queer hybrid of like, Batman and Shakespeare. That someone is Graham Bridgeman, who often utilizes his skills with the Pop Up Museum of Queer History. Without even a bat of an eye, Graham had sent me a link to something called a “titanium multi-tool collar stay,” which I only understood after flipping through every instructional photo and about 10 reviews. But now I am very impressed and equally aroused.
Contrary to popular belief, I’m not a total dunce, and I am able to shop for myself on certain occasions, if under great duress. On those occasions, I am apt to support local crafty queers working on projects that I get super excited about, and nothing excites me more than gambling and the clitoris. Thusly, here are my last two recommendations. Feminist playing cards (see femme musicians portrayed by amazing artists WHILE you bluff about your poor hand? Yes please!) from Brooklyn’s finest queer music aficionado, Lynn Casper, and anything/everything from the CLITERACY series by Brooklyn artist/activist Sophia Wallace. I am partial to the SOLID GOLD CLIT tee, but you know, to each weirdo their own.
Happy Boxing Day, queers!
Featured image is the Neoprene Eye Mask sold by BEAM
