If extraterrestrials were to observe Pride, they might gain the false impression that all queers are very fun and also love Verizon, or Verizon loves them—it’s hard to say. I’ll have you know, dear aliens, that queerness comes in every form under our sun (your star). This Pride itinerary is for queers like me, who are not fun, but still damn proud.
6 AM All gather in a room and read The Well of Loneliness, silently and to ourselves, while eating steel-cut oats and raisins (separate dishes). (Karen, try not to chew loudly this time because we are trying to read!)
7:15 AM Group multivitamin swap.
8 AM Morning DIY craft: watercolor your current relationship to ethical non-monogamy.
9 AM Dyke March/quiet walk along the beach, while meditating on the futility of throwing starfish back into the ocean when they will return to shore with the next incoming tide.
11 AM Unsweetened burdock root tea queer mixer in a low-pressure, not-fun environment.
12 PM VIP (but non-hierarchical!) crying ritual in the forest over deforestation. Free-flowing encouraged, but tissues available upon request. This event has sold out every year, so get your tickets early!
1:00 PM Sing-along to k.d. lang’s saddest hits. Not singing encouraged.
2:30 PM Afternoon DIY craft: make your own sundial while thinking about time passing, and your exes. Option to listen to a Dido song on repeat. Option to watercolor all of your exes’ faces if you finish early.
3:15 PM Public forum on what “heteroflexible” means. Option to leave Pride early and continue this debate on the internet for the rest of your life.
4 PM Pride parade/search party to find all of the cats on the “missing cat” posters, followed by a group cry.
5:30 PM Pop-up lesbian bar/discussion on how to hold your housemates accountable for completing their chores, while minimizing power dynamics and respecting the fluctuating needs and desires of the group.
6:30 PM Simple dinner of fermented soybean paste on millet bread, while surveying key astrological transits for the next 1,000,000 years. (Silent chewing still applies, Karen.)
7:15 PM Closing group meditation on our exes by unscented candlelight.
8 PM Apologize to your cat for getting home so late and perform your usual bedtime ritual for the next 1-3 hours.
Featured drawing by Kirsty McKenzie